things i'm trying to learn from a hellish year...

everyone suffers. seriously, everyone. i feel like this has been a hard year for a lot of people. for some reason it all just kinda hit the fan. it’s been really overwhelming because i don’t know how to reconcile it all in my head. it’s kind of like a flannery o’connor story in that we are faced with these big moments that come, and in those situations we are given a moment of grace. we are presented with these obstacles, and how we deal with them or react to them makes all the difference. the pain can eat you alive, consume you, make you forget to breathe, lead you to bitterness and mistrust. or it can lead you to become the kind of person you were always meant to be. going through the pain can lead to becoming whole again. embracing and dealing with the hurt has a tendency to transform. it is in suffering that we learn how to love. we can humbly rely on each other for comfort and the strength to live. when others come to us, we can reach out, knowing what it’s like to feel alone and in pain.

the conclusion i’ve come to is that suffering is not something to avoid. avoiding it just doesn’t work or help solve anything really. you can’t ignore it by watching lots of tv, playing music, drinking, avoiding relationship with people who want to help you, looking to relationships that are shallow but seem to, at least temporarily, fill some kind of void…

the question at least for me, though, is what does it look like then? what will it mean for me to deal with the pain? do i just chalk it up as a loss and forget about it? do i try to pick up the pieces? i mean i know i’ve learned a lot. i know now what my tendencies are with people. i know now what to push against within myself. but is it all worth it? what good does that knowledge do me if i can’t actually get past all the crap? will "my people" have patience with me and still be around when i come out of it all? i hate that i’m stuck, but i am. some of it’s relatively new sticky, but i feel like a lot of the stickiness goes way back. there are so many layers, and i feel a little lost in them. i need help but don’t know who to ask or even how to ask for it.