things i'm trying to learn from a hellish year...

everyone suffers. seriously, everyone. i feel like this has been a hard year for a lot of people. for some reason it all just kinda hit the fan. it’s been really overwhelming because i don’t know how to reconcile it all in my head. it’s kind of like a flannery o’connor story in that we are faced with these big moments that come, and in those situations we are given a moment of grace. we are presented with these obstacles, and how we deal with them or react to them makes all the difference. the pain can eat you alive, consume you, make you forget to breathe, lead you to bitterness and mistrust. or it can lead you to become the kind of person you were always meant to be. going through the pain can lead to becoming whole again. embracing and dealing with the hurt has a tendency to transform. it is in suffering that we learn how to love. we can humbly rely on each other for comfort and the strength to live. when others come to us, we can reach out, knowing what it’s like to feel alone and in pain.

the conclusion i’ve come to is that suffering is not something to avoid. avoiding it just doesn’t work or help solve anything really. you can’t ignore it by watching lots of tv, playing music, drinking, avoiding relationship with people who want to help you, looking to relationships that are shallow but seem to, at least temporarily, fill some kind of void…

the question at least for me, though, is what does it look like then? what will it mean for me to deal with the pain? do i just chalk it up as a loss and forget about it? do i try to pick up the pieces? i mean i know i’ve learned a lot. i know now what my tendencies are with people. i know now what to push against within myself. but is it all worth it? what good does that knowledge do me if i can’t actually get past all the crap? will "my people" have patience with me and still be around when i come out of it all? i hate that i’m stuck, but i am. some of it’s relatively new sticky, but i feel like a lot of the stickiness goes way back. there are so many layers, and i feel a little lost in them. i need help but don’t know who to ask or even how to ask for it.

countdowns.

thinking about these things is what's keeping me going right now. i'm hoping summer will bring a little change of pace. maybe things will get better.

about a week - classes done.
about 2 weeks - finals done.
about 3 weeks - my friends finally start to come home.
about a month and a half - up to chicago to retrieve allison.
less than 2 months - janelle in nashville! finally!
about 3-4 months-ish - kenz is back.

thank you.

a man without a country.

today humanity lost one of its great contributers. mr. kurt vonnegut was not a man to stay inside lines. he challenged. pushed boundaries. pissed people off. but he was right on in his thinking and diagnosing of society. so much so that it scares me a little. i read his memoirs this summer, and i was totally blown away. it came at just the right time in my life too. i found it exciting that i could connect with someone who thought about a lot of the things that i did. even though our connection was just through words and scribbles on a page, it was a profound one for me. when i think of people like him, it gives me an ounce of hope for society. maybe we're not completely doomed. i'll leave you with some of his thoughts that i've collected here and there cause he says things a lot better than i ever could...

"Still and all, why bother? Here's my answer. Many people need desperately to receive this message: I feel and think much as you do, care about many of the things you care about, although most people do not care about them. You are not alone."

"I really wonder what gives us the right to wreck this poor planet of ours."

"I am, incidentally, Honorary President of the American Humanist Association, having succeeded the late, great science fiction writer Isaac Asimov in that totally functionless capacity. We had a memorial service for Isaac a few years back, and I spoke and said at one point, "Isaac is up in heaven now." It was the funniest thing I could have said to an audience of humanists. I rolled them in the aisles. It was several minutes before order could be restored. And if I should ever die, God forbid, I hope you will say, "Kurt is up in heaven now." That's my favorite joke."

"People have to talk about something just to keep their voice boxes in working order so they'll have good voice boxes in case there's ever anything really meaningful to say."

"True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country."

"What should young people do with their lives today? Many things, obviously. But the most daring thing is to create stable communities in which the terrible disease of loneliness can be cured."



thank you for who you were and are.

echad.

tonight was one of the best nights i've had in i don't even know when. i hung out with katherine and margaret and her siblings. (allison and rachel were present in spirit.) and i know i talk about these people all the time, but whatever... these people... i can't even explain how much these girls mean to me. when they are home, i feel like a more complete and whole person. we think each other's thoughts. we feel each other's emotions. maybe that's weird and bad... i don't know. but i do know that they bring beauty and hope back into my life, which i desperately need. even after all these years and years, even after we've each grown up a lot, even though we've each experienced some parts of life in such different ways, even though we don't agree on everything anymore, there is still that closeness that i cannot understand but am oh so grateful for. oneness and unity through our differences are great things.

this all also makes me excited cause i think i know what my next tattoo might be.