i really like my major.

ok, this probably won’t make much sense to you if you don’t know me that well, but that’s ok. and i’m sorry if it makes you uncomfortable to read this, but i think sometimes discomfort might not be such a bad thing. this is just me processing a book and how it made me feel…

so for my child welfare class i had to read this book, a child called it. it was undoubtedly the most intense thing i have ever read in my whole entire life. it’s the story of this boy who was severely abused by his mother. i mean severely. his case was the third worst reported child abuse case in California. (that kind of terrifies me cause i don’t even wanna imagine anything worse than that.) now i know my experience growing up was nowhere near as bad as that. but i still was able to relate to him in some ways. one of his greatest longings was to feel like he belonged somewhere. (one of the ways his mom abused him was to basically make it so that he was this sort of non-person in the house. his brothers were even forbidden to associate with him.) he just wanted to be a part of a group, a family, that loved him. unconditionally. that seems so huge to me. to not feel like you had to be a certain way for your mom to love you? that would be incredible.

i was talking to a dear friend tonight, and i was saying how it always surprises me when people really do care about me. i can never really understand it. this is especially true with women who are older. i feel like it’s weird for them to be even taking an interest in me. i got to see one of these women this weekend because she was in town visiting her son. i cannot begin to describe to you how it felt just to have her ask me how i’ve been. and then when i was talking about stuff i’m learning in my classes, there was almost a glint of pride in her eyes. (maybe i’m just stretching there, but at least that’s what it looked like.) i kind of didn’t really know how to handle it, but it felt pretty great. one thing i do know, though, is that all of this makes me so excited for my future…

i cannot wait to be a social worker. i wanna work with kids so bad! (special needs kids and kids who have been abused… my mind changes all the time.) (and i’m not saying this to be cocky or come off as some great person or whatever cause i know i’m not. i just get really excited about it.) i want to share in the suffering of the people around me. i want people to have hope. i want people to know unconditional love. i want to encourage. and even more than in social work… i cannot wait to do that as a mother. i can’t wait to be a different kind of mother. it scares the shit out of me cause i don’t wanna be like my mom, but i don’t think i will. redemption is a sweet thing.